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Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. Iwas wearingsweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to meand grabbed my penis.She thought it was my phone. FML
今天，我在上课的时候睡觉。我的JJ石更了，而且我穿的是很宽松的裤子。我的老师走了过来一把抓住了我的JJ——她以为那是我手机。FML
来自：www.fmylife.com
Fu** my life. 看看老外们的囧事儿
Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dogaround theblock to get out of the house, and I came back to see herleaving her room... myelectric toothbrush in her hand. FML
今天，我听见了我的姐姐在她的房间里面ZW。为了逃出去，我带着狗出去遛了遛。我回来的时候正巧碰见她出来，手里拿的东西是——我的电动牙刷。FML
Today, this really attractive woman that I’ve known for years told methat whenI can have sex with her standing up, she’ll have sex with me.I’m confined to awheelchair. FML
今天，一个我认识了很久的很性感的女人跟我说，如果我能站着和她做，她就和我做。我残疾坐轮椅。FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm,hescreamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name’snotBrittany. That’s his sister. FML
今天，我在和我的男朋友OOXX。当他要丢了的时候，他突然声嘶力竭地大喊“太棒了Brittany！！”我的名字不是Brittany.Brittany是他的妹妹。FML
Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of apotentialbusiness partner. When he began to type ’virginia’ intogoogle, itauto-completed his search with his recent search for ’virginboy assholes’. Ihave to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I’m ayoung guy. FML
今天，我老板叫我去他的办公室，要给我看一个可能成为我们的商业伙伴的公司的网站。当他在谷歌里面打“Virginia”这个词的时候，网站把他的搜索自动补完成了他最近才搜索过的词条——“小处男的菊花”。我明天就要和他一起出差。我是个年轻男人。FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend to come over for dinner because I had somebig news.He said he did too, and came over. After stuffing his facefull of food, hebroke up with me and said he’d re-enlisted into themarines, leaving in twoweeks. I was going to tell him i’m 9 weekspregnant. FML
今天，我让我男朋友来我家吃饭因为我有个大消息要告诉他。他说他也有个大消息要告诉我。在他吃得差不多的时候，他说要和我分手因为他两个星期以后就要去海军陆战队报道了。我准备告诉他我已经怀孕9个星期了。FML
Today, I found out that I’m pregnant. My husband and I have been tryingto havea baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him thenews. When I openedhis office planning to surprise him with the news,I saw him making out with aman. FML
今天，我发现我怀孕了。我已经和老公试了很长时间，所以我等不及要把这个好消息告诉他。当我推开他的办公室的门准备给他一个惊喜时，我看到他和一个男的在亲热。FML
Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After Itold her22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She’s thirteen. FML
今天，我的女儿问我我是什么时候破处的。当我告诉她是22岁时，她立马大喊道：“我赢喽！！”她今年才13。FML
Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated thathe wasonly able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML
今天，我结婚9年的老公告诉我说他是搞基的。他甚至还暗示我说，他和我在一起的时候能硬起来，是因为我长得比较爷们。FML
Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddlyresembledsex sounds my wife makes. When I asked her what she was doingshe said "I’mpretending to be mommy from last night." I was on abusiness trip lastnight. FML
今天，我发现我女儿在模仿很奇怪的、听起来像我老婆在OOXX时发出的声音。当我问她你在干嘛的时候她说“我在学我妈咪昨晚的声音”。我昨晚出差。FML
Today, my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with herfriendsalone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her familylives. I left myfriends, family and job opportunities (which were verygood) in order to livewith her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horsefarm. FML
今天，我老婆要和我离婚因为她想和她的狐朋狗友们多玩一玩。一年前，我跟着她来到了她老家挪威。我离开了我的朋友，家庭和一份很好的工作，就是为了和她一起住。现在我***在一个马场铲马粪。FML
Today, I got a call from the hospital that my fiance was in the ER.When Iarrived at the hospital they told me that he had a heart attackwhile havingsex. FML
今天，我接到一个电话说我的未婚夫被送进了急救室。当我赶到急救室的时候，他们告诉我说原因是他在和某人OOXX的时候心脏病发作了。FML
Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. Shesaidshe’s looking for someone who can financially provide for her inthe future. Thedude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I’m going to medicalschool. FML
今天，我交往了三年的女友离开了我找了个新男友。她的理由是她需要找一个可靠的未来的经济后盾。没错那个哥们确实是有一个卖手机的亭子。但是我就要在医学院就读了。FML
Today, my teacher demanded to talk to my dad because she thought hewasn’t agood enough male role model because i’d misbehaved. i told herhe had died ofcancer in 2005. She said that my lie was rude,disgraceful, and that i should beashamed, then gave me a detention. Heactually did die. FML
今天，我老师要求和我爸谈话因为她认为我爸没给我起到一个好的榜样作用。我告诉她我爸在05年就死于癌症。结果她说我的谎言很粗鲁，没人性，不害臊，然后把我留校了。我爸是真的死了。FML
Today, I had to make a family tree for one of my classes. When I wasgoingthrough it, I realized that both my parents have the same lastname. So, I askedthem about it and they told me that they are secondcousins. FML
今天，我有个做张家庭族谱的作业。当我在做的时候，我意识到我的父母的姓其实是一样的。所以我去问他们这是不是个巧合，结果他们告诉我说他们实际上是表亲关系。FML
Today, I bit my boyfriend’s neck. I felt something squirt into mymouth. Turnsout I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth.FML
今天，我咬了一下我男友的脖子。我感觉到什么东西流到了我嘴里。结果我发现我是把他脖子上的一个大痘子咬破了。掉进了我嘴里。FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went toStarbucks andgot coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking andhaving a good time.Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said,"soon, this will be plumpwith my seed." FML
今天，我第一次和这个男生出去约会。我们去了星巴克，聊着天，很愉快。突然，他把他的手放到我肚子上说：“不久之后，这里就会被我的种子灌满”。FML
Today, I decided to take a nap. My boyfriend gave me some sleepingpills but Idecided last minute not to take them. I woke up to myboyfriend kissing my neckand unbuttoning my shirt. Without opening myeyes, I whispered "ooh this isso romantic." He blurted out shocked,"Oh...you’re awake?!" FML
今天，我打算打个盹。我男朋友给了我一些安眠药但是我最后没决定吃。我迷迷糊糊地醒来的时候发现他在亲我的脖子，解开我的衬衫。我闭着眼睛低语道：“嗯……真是浪漫。”他震惊道：“啊。你醒着呢？！”FML
Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me andsat nextto me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on myshoulder. Tryingto be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before mystop came. She wasn’tsleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30minutes. FML
今天，我做公车去上班，后来旁边坐着个慈祥的老奶奶。公车到一半的时候，她睡着了，脑袋枕在了我的肩膀上。为了做个好青年，我在我的车站到之前才轻轻地打算弄醒她。实际上，这一路上她根本没在睡觉。也就是说，我让一个死人在我身上躺了30分钟。FML
Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grandpiano.Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex.On my piano.FML
今天，我以为我听到了我的小妹妹在玩我的新的大钢琴。我十分生气，跑下楼去制止她。结果我发现声音的来源是我父母在我的新钢琴上OOXX。FML
Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your bestfriend pregnant". FML
今天，我给我男友发短信说：“Hi”。他的回复是：“我把你最好的朋友肚子搞大了”。FML
Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the pastyearresearching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate setanautocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." Ididn’t noticeuntil after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML
今天，我上交了我的博士论文，我花了半年的时间做调查来写这篇论文。昨晚，我的室友在微软WORD里面的“自动更正”里面把“也不是(neither)”这个词全改成了“黑鬼(nigger)”。我一直到交了论文以后才发现。更糟糕的是我的教授就是个黑人。FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, Iturnedaround to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his faceand said ’Now, dome’. FML
今天，我男友和我决定试试X菊花。当他结束了以后，我转过身来，发现他面带微笑地拿着一个绑在腰带上的橡胶JJ，对我说：“现在来X我。”FML
Today, I went to my first strip club for my friends birthday. I also found outwhat my girlfriend does for a living. FML
今天，为了给我哥们庆祝生日我们第一次来到了脱衣舞俱乐部。我也发现了我的女友的工作是什么。FML
Today,I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can’thave sex forone month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeksaremy honey moon. FML
今天，我发现因为我的血压太高，我一个月都不能OOXX。我的婚礼是下个星期，然后接下来的两个星期是蜜月。FML
Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up athis nose, Isaw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowlymove away. He told me"Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snotto fall right into mymouth. FML
今天，我去牙医那里洗牙。我抬头看着他，发现有鼻涕往他的嘴唇上滴。我试图慢慢地挪开，他告诉我“别动！”结果他说话的动作导致那大块鼻涕径直掉进了我嘴里。FML
Today, I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of the babyis nowengaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me with whenI becamepregnant. I’m going to be the maid of honor, 8 months pregnantwith his child,at their wedding. FML
今天，我发现我已经怀孕三个多月了。孩子他爸现在已经和我最好的朋友订婚，在我怀孕的时候他一直和她有一腿。我将会是他们婚礼上怀着新郎的孩子8个月的伴娘。FML
Today, I had to sleep in the same room as my grandparents. They checkedto seeif I was asleep, so I pretended to be to avoid getting scoldedfor staying up.Turns out they were checking so that they could makelove. I witnessed two70-year-olds have sex in the bed next to me for20 minutes. FML
今天，我和我的祖父母睡在一个屋子里面。他们先是来确认我睡没睡着。为了不被责怪成熬夜，我就假装睡着了。结果，他们是想要OOXX，所以才来确认我是不是睡了的。我亲眼目睹了两个70岁老头老太太在我旁边的床上OOXX的情形。FML
Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurantmanager. Hetold me that while he respected my personal choices, hispatrons didn’t feelcomfortable with someone who used to be a man usingthe women’s restroom. Hethought I was a transsexual. I am anaturally-born female. FML
今天，我在外面吃饭的时候，饭店经理来找我谈话。他说虽然他很尊重我的个人选择，但是他的顾客们对于一个“曾经是男人”的女人用女卫生间感到非常不舒服。也就是说，他们以为我是个变性人。而我是个天生的女人。FML
Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in oneand washorrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejectedthe tape and lookedat the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They’ve toldme I was conceivedin Bermuda around that time. I’ve seen my ownconception. FML
今天，我在翻看我父母的旧的家庭录像。我把其中一个放进了录像机，惊恐地发现那里录着我的父母在做爱做的事。我立刻弹出了录像带并且看了看那上面的标签。上面写着：“百慕大，1989”。他们曾经告诉我说我就是在那个时候的百慕大群岛上被怀上的。我看到了自己被怀上的情形。FML
Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for ourfirstdate. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phonedmy boyfriend totell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marleyringtone started playingfrom the bush. FML
今天，我自己一人来到了我和我男友第一次约会的地方：一个孤僻的山上。我注意到有另一对情侣藏在灌木丛中亲热。于是我打电话给我男友，想要告诉他说有人找到了属于我们的秘密幽会地点。然后我就听到了我男友手机的Bob Marley的彩铃声从那堆灌木里飘来。FML
Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things gotheated upand we started making out. One thing lead to another and thenext thing I knewshe was giving me head. I was getting ready to bustwhen she stopped, looked upinto my eyes and said "Do you believe inJesus?" FML
今天，我和一个女孩在我公寓里面打发时间……然后我们都来了感觉，就开始亲热。一步接着一步，然后我知道她要准备给我KJ。我正做好爽的准备，她突然停了下来，抬起头来望着我的眼睛说……“你信耶稣吗？”FML
Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door forasurprise visit. He’s barely outside the door and I pull the door openand sayhey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kissesme on the cheek,says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night",and leaves. FML
今天，我被我老爸突然造访我宿舍的敲门声所吵醒。我把门打开对着在门外的他打招呼，这时候我的室友脱光了衣服拉开了门，亲了我的脸颊，用一种超级搞基的声音说“昨晚你真棒”以后跑了。FML
Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come outof thebathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging herhips, wearingpratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips onthe edge of the floormat, and uses my ’junk’ to catch herself. FML
今天，我光着身子站在床边，等着我老婆从浴室里面出来。她打开了浴室的门走向我，扭动着她的腰，什么都没穿。当她离我有四英尺的时候，她在地板垫上跌了一跤，而且用了我的JJ来稳住身形。FML
Today, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parentshaving sex,so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for agood long while, Ifigured they were done by now, so I took off theheadphones just in time to hearthem finish. FML
今天，我躺在床上试图睡着，可是就在此时我听见了我父母在OX。所以我戴上了耳机听音乐。听了好长好长一段时间之后，我想他们应该已经完事了，所以我摘下了耳机。结果我刚好赶上他们结束那一段。FML
Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don’t have a text messaging plan. Ipaid $0.25 to get fired. FML
今天，我老板发了条短信把我炒了鱿鱼。我没给手机申请短信包月。也就是说我花了25美分来被炒。FML
Today, I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friendexplainingthat our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulledover in hysterics anda cop came to see what was wrong. I explainedwhat happened and he gave me aticket for talking on the phone whiledriving. FML
今天，我在高速上开车的时候接到了一个电话，得知了我两个最好朋友因交通事故而死。我歇斯底里地把车快速在道边停下，然后过来一个交警问我怎么了。我解释了一切，结果他给了我一张罚单，说是因为我在开车的同时使用手机。FML
Today,my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. Whenwe got there,he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii gamearrived. Hesent me home so he can play. FML
今天，我男友和我决定在他的家里OOXX。我们到了以后，他先去看信箱里面有没有信，然后就发现他订购的Wii的游戏到货了。他把我送回了家因为他更想玩游戏。FML
Today, I asked my parents to sign for me to enlist in the military.They askedme how much money the government gives them if I die. FML
今天，我拜托我父母帮我报名加入军队。结果他们问我的是如果我死了，政府能补贴多少钱。FML
Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowersanddinner at her apartment. After i knocked, a handsome young mananswered thedoor. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologizedonly to hear mygirlfriend’s voice call from the background: "Baby,who’s there?" FML
今天，拿着鲜花和晚餐，打算给我认识了两年的女友一个惊喜。我敲了敲她公寓的们——然后一个英俊的年轻男人打开了门。我以为我敲错了门，道了歉转身准备离开的时候，我听到了我女朋友的声音——“宝贝，门口的是谁？”FML
Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when Iwalked intothe dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When hesaw me he simplysaid, "April Fool’s!" It’s March 19th. FML
今天，我打算给我上大学的男友一个惊喜。我走进了他的宿舍，发现他和另一个女的躺在床上。他看见了我，说了句：“愚人节快乐！”那天是3月19号。FML
Today, my friends approached me and accused me of being anorexic causei’vedropped a lot of weight lately. I swore to them that i wasn’tanorexic. Theyjokingly asked "Do you have cancer or something?" All icould do wasstare at my feet. That wasn’t exactly how i wanted them tofind out. FML
今天，我的朋友怀疑我得了厌食症因为我最近掉了很多秤。我对他们发誓说我没得厌食症。他们开玩笑说：“那你是得了癌症什么的吗？”我除了盯着我的脚不知道以外不知道该如何反应——我并没指望他们以这种形式发现我得了癌症。FML
Today, I was fingering my girlfriend. When suddenly she started cryingat thepeak of her orgasm, when I asked what was wrong, she replied."I-I-I MISSHIM!" She was crying about her ex boyfriend. While I wasinside her. FML
今天，我在用手指X女友。她在高潮顶点的时候突然哭了起来。我问她发生了什么事，她回答说：“我——我——我——我想他！！”她是为了她的前男友在哭。我当时还在她体内。FML
Today, I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I’m gay.When I wastyping the email address in the "to:" field, itautocorrected theaddress to my mother. She just responded: "you filthyfaggot". FML
今天，我发了封邮件给我最好的朋友，告诉他我是同志。当我在输入“发送到：”那一栏的时候，系统给我自动更正成了我妈的邮件地址。她只回复了一句：“你这肮脏的蛆虫。”FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and hewasn’t.About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was jokingaround and Istarted laughing. He wasn’t joking. He was done. FML
今天，我男友和我决定做爱做的事。我是CN，他不是。30秒以后，他倒在了我的身上。我以为他在开玩笑，就笑了几声。他没在开玩笑。他干完了。FML
Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriendthoughtit was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publiclypulled out my tampon.FML
今天，我卫生棉在我的泳装旁边露出了一点点。我男友以为那是我比基尼多余的线头。于是乎他在大庭广众之下把我的卫生棉拉了出来。FML
Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood,and thatI was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers,use them, imgoing to bed xoxo". FML
今天，我给我6个月的男友发了条短信说我很想要，而且我躺在床上光着身子。他回了封信说：“你长了手指头，用它们，我去睡觉了亲爱的”。FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. After what seemedlike aneternity of waiting, he finally entered me, then paused andasked me, "whatdo I do now?" FML
今天，我男友和我第一次OOXX。在等待了非常长的一段时间之后，他终于进来了。这时他停了下来，问道——“好了，现在我该怎么办？”FML
Today, I got a phone call saying I was no longer a bridesmaid for awedding inJune. It’s my mom’s 4th wedding. I’m getting replaced by ourdog. FML
今天，我接到电话说我不再是6月份婚礼的伴娘了。那婚礼是我妈的第四次婚礼。当她伴娘的将会是我家的狗。FML
Today,I opened my mail to find my Brown acceptance letter.Excited, I showedmy dad who just laughed and said ’what, it’s not like it’sHarvard’. Noone in my family has ever gone to college. My dad didn’t evengraduatefrom high school. FML
今天，我打开了邮箱发现我被布朗大学（美国常春藤盟校之一）录取了。我兴奋地告诉了我爸，他笑笑说：“啥啊，又不是哈佛。”我家里人除了我没人上过大学。我爸甚至高中都没毕业。FML
今天，我老爹问我借电动剃须刀因为他想要“给我妈一个惊喜”。我非常想看他把他留了几乎一辈子的大胡子剃掉，于是我很高兴地答应了他。半个小时以后，他从洗手间出来了。胡子还是好好的。FML
Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap forcursing. I’m almost 19. I said the word "hell". FML
今天，我父母因为我“说了句脏话”而惩罚我用肥皂洗嘴。我都快19了。我说了句“靠”。FML
Today, I was on the bus going to formal for my sorority. I was sittingin the5th row of the bus when I felt raindrops on my face comingthrough the openwindow. I then realized it wasn’t raining, but thegirl in the 1st row wasthrowing up out her window and it was comingback in through my window. FML
今天，我坐在公车上去联谊会。我坐在公车第5排，感觉到有雨点从窗外飘进来。然后我意识到那不是雨点，而是第1排有个女的吐了，她吐到窗外的东西从我的窗户飞了进来。FML
Today, my parents won’t stop bragging about how my sister is dating thecaptainof her high school football team. I just got accepted to lawschool. FML
今天，我父母不停地吹嘘说我妹妹正在和学校美式足球队队长约会。我刚刚被法学院录取。FML
Today, we got our yearbooks for school. I opened to my profile to seethat theymisspelled my first name which is James. They wrote Lames. FML
今天，我们要从学校拿毕业纪念册。我翻到了我的简历那一页，发现他们把我的名拼错了。我的名是James（詹姆斯）。他们拼成了Lames（烂透的）。FML
Today, I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend for the first time.Lastnight was the first night we spent together. As I was washing myhair, I lookeddown at my feet and noticed yellow water. Some of thewarm water I felt on myfeet was not from the shower head. FML
今天，我第一次和我的新男友一起淋浴。昨天晚上是我们一起度过的第一晚。我在洗头的时候，我向下看去，注意到了有“黄水”。也就是说，我的脚一开始感觉到的温暖的水不是从喷头里出来的。FML
Today, I was arrested because my 6 year old son called thepolice saying that Iwas hitting my wife and that she was crying. Mywife and I were having sex. FML
今天，我被逮捕了，因为我6岁的儿子打电话叫警察，说我把我的妻子打得哭了。我和我老婆当时在OOXX。FML
Today, I came home early from work to surprise my son with a newmountain bikefor his birthday. To keep it a surprise I carried itquietly up to his bedroom.As I opened the door I heard my son say "Ohman, you’re gonna make mecum" to the nice girl he was on top of. Hejust turned 14. FML
今天，我提前下班回家，买了辆新的山地车来给他个生日惊喜。为了让他吃一惊，我蹑手蹑脚地来到了他的房门前。我一开门就听到他对他压在身下的女孩说：“哦，天哪，我要S了。”他才刚14。FML
Today, I went to get a sports physical at a hospital. My nurse wasmorbidlyobese and unattractive. She told me she would go through thetests listed on thesheet. She did everything, including feeling mygenitalia. When it was done, Iread over the sheet. Genitalia wasn’t atest listed. FML
今天，我去医院做运动体检。我的护士肥的要死而且非常难看。她说她会检查所有单子上写的部分。她做了一切她能做的，甚至包括检查我的JJ部分。体检结束以后，我看了看那张单子。里面没有生育器官检查。FML
Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my p*** stash.However,the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinkingthat a virus deletedeverything, I was thankful my favourite fileremained. When I opened it, I saw avideo of my parents telling me notto masturbate. FML
今天，我打开电脑查看我的A*V收藏。但是，文件夹除了“我的最爱”文档以外全都空了。我以为是病毒删了所有的东西，但是很庆幸“我的最爱”文档没被删。我打开了以后，看到里面是一个我父母的录像教育我说“SY是不对滴”。FML
Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of theladies walkedup to me in the middle of the busy mall and startedscreaming at me about howrude it is to stare, and how we are allequal- straight or not. I was onlystaring because I’m a lesbian too,and they were hot. FML
今天，我看到了一对女同性恋在购物中心里逛。其中一个在繁忙的过道里走向我，然后开始大喊盯着她们是怎么怎么地粗鲁，还有不管性取向如何所有的人都应该是平等的。我盯着她们的原因是我也是搞百合的，而且我觉得她们很靓。FML
Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger inthe carin front of me threw something out the window. The object flewtowards andlanded directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A usedcondom. It wasn’ttied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you’redriving fast. FML
今天，大概晚上十点多我在道上开车。我前面车里的乘客向窗外扔了什么东西。拿东西径直打在了我的挡风玻璃上。那是个套套。用过的套套。而且用完没系。JY在你开快车的时候散开得很快。FML
Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had ’somethingserious’to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction tomasturbation. Indetail. The drive was 2 hours long. FML
今天，我搭我新男友的车。他有“很重要的事”要告诉我。然后他多愁善感地向我讲述了他如何对SY上瘾。细节具体生动。行程是两个小时。FML
Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are.They areso thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door saymy full name overand over again very slowly whilst masturbatingrigorously. FML
今天，我才发现我的新学生宿舍的墙，是多么的薄。它们如此之薄，以至于我能听到我隔壁那个恶心的哥们一边一遍又一遍地念叨着我的名字，一边大力SY的声音。FML
Today, I’m playing basketball with my little brother. After jokinglyblockinghis shot, he turns to me and says "You’re a bitch." He’s 6.Afterasking where he heard that word, he responded with "Daddy callsyou thatwhen you’re not around." FML
今天，我在和我的小弟弟打篮球。在开玩笑般地阻挡了他一下之后，他转过来跟我说“你TM的婊*子。”他才6岁。我问他他是在哪里听到这个词的，他回答说：“爹地在你不在的时候这样叫你。”FML
Today, I was laying in bed naked and blindfolded. I told my boyfriendhe coulddo anything he wanted to me. About 30 minutes later I get outof bed and findhim in the computer room play World of Warcraft. Hisfriends needed him. FML
今天，我luo身躺在床上，被蒙上了眼罩。我告诉我的男友他把我怎样都行。30分钟以后，我下了床发现他在电脑室打魔兽。他队友需要他。FML
Today, I performed in my school play. Right before my big solo, Inoticed a fewgirls changing backstage and I became aroused. The playwas Jesus ChristSuperstar, and I was playing Jesus. All I was wearingwas a little cloth, so thewhole audience saw Jesus get hard during thecrucifixion. FML
今天，我在学校表演戏剧。在我的独角戏闪亮登场之前，我注意到了有几个女孩在后台换衣服——于是我小弟弟high了。那场戏是《耶稣基督超级巨星》，我就是演耶*稣的。我身上只穿几块布。于是乎，所有观众都看到了：耶*稣在被钉上十字架的时候可耻地硬了。FML
Today, I was sleeping because I had been sick. The closest bathroom tomine isthe one in my parents room. I wake up and feel like I have tothrow up, I runinto my parents room to go to the bathroom. I walk inon my parents having sex.Shocked, I gasp for air then throw up allover their bed. FML
今天我在家睡觉因为我生病了。离我最近的厕所是在我父母的房间。我有点想吐所以我就起来了，我跑到我父母房间的厕所里，然后看到他们在OOXX。大吃一惊，吐了他们一床……
Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about 5minutes in,she said she had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped andshe went to thebathroom. After waiting around 10 min, I decided tocheck if she was ok. Thewindow was open. She was gone. FML
今天我在和一个刚认识的女孩OOXX，大约5分钟之后，她说她想上厕所，所以我们被迫停止。大概等了10分钟，我决定进去看看她怎么样了。进去一看，窗户是开着的，她逃走了。卧槽= =
Today, as I was bagging groceries at Dominicks, I looked down to see a6 yearold urinating on my shoes and the floor next to me. I told hismother that heshould take her kid to the restroom, only to be told to"mind my own goddamned business." I was later fired for arguing withthe customer. FML
今天我在多米尼克杂货店帮顾客装袋，向下一看，我擦，一个6岁小孩在我鞋上撒尿。我告诉他妈应该带她的小孩去厕所小便，我唯一得到的回应是：管好你自己的吊事。接着我就以“和顾客发生纠纷”被开除。卧槽！
Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl camein,talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there’s acuteguy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to meandsaid, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phonewithher." FML
今天，当一个正妹进电梯的时候电梯里只有我一个，当时她正在打电话。她和她朋友说：“我得挂了，电梯里有个帅哥~~”在我有任何反应之前她说：“对不起，我撒谎了，我只是真的很想把那个电话结束”卧槽= =！！
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when hebreathson my neck. When I was about to finish he put his lips amillimeter away from myneck/ear and breathed, "I love how you smelllike my grandmother’shouse." FML
今天，我在和我男友OOXX，他很清楚我喜欢他在我脖子上喘气、呼吸的感觉。当我快要丢的时候他把他的嘴唇放在离我脖子/耳朵1毫米的地方，说：“我喜欢的你那闻起来像我祖母房子的味道~~”，卧槽！
Today, I went to a fast-food joint and ordered off of the $1.00 menu tosavemoney. Five hours later I go to the hospital with food-poisoning.After a wholeday of not eating, crapping, puking, having tests, and anbunch of IV fluids, my$1.00 burger ended up costing me $24,000 inbills. Really. FML
今天我去快餐店点了一份一元餐想要省钱。五个小时之后我因为食物中毒被送到医院。在一天的禁食、排泄、冒顶、考试、挂了一堆水之后，我那$1的汉堡花费了我$24000，真的！！卧槽……
Today, one of the psych patients I work with on a locked unit lookedinto myeyes and told me lovingly that I reminded him of his sister.The sister hekilled after he raped her. FML
今天，一个和我一起工作的精极度紧张患者在一个被锁的房间里看着我的眼睛、深情的说：你让我想起了我的妹妹。（那个被他被他先X后杀的妹妹）。卧槽！！
Today, I called my fiance and found out she is 9 weeks pregnant. I hadbeen inIraq for over 6 months. I also found out her and her newboyfriend already spentmost of my $30,000 re-enlistment bonus on a newcar and a trip to Las Vegas. FML
今天我打电话给我的未婚妻并发现她已经有了9周身孕。我在伊拉克带了将近6个月……我还发现她和她的新男友把我那30000美金的入伍抚恤金花的差不多了——买了辆新车、去拉斯维加斯度假。卧槽！
Today, there are two restaurants gang fights, and other unrelated people aregone, only I did not move, watching them smile.
I feel very cool.
Suddenly,....FML
今天,餐馆有两伙人打架，其他无关的人都跑掉了，只有我没有动，微笑的看着他们。
我觉得自己非常酷。
突然有一个人指着我说：打他们老大！我刚要说我不是，一个酒瓶子就把我头打开了花。然后几个人过来揣我。另一伙看他们在打不认识的人竟然也不帮忙。
我快被打半死时警C来了，还把我当成主犯拉回去审讯。刚才才被家长领回家。
我现在悟出了一个非常深刻的道理，就是：没实力，千万别装B!
Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I tookoff myshirt and my bra and he said "wow, that’s disappointing." FML
今天，我第一次和自己真正喜欢的人OOXX。我把我的上衣的乳支撑器脱掉，他说：“我擦，这太令人失望了。”擦
Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had justgotten permission from her dad to propose. FML
应该是今天，我女友甩了我跟别人了。就在一个小时前，我才从她老爹那里得到求婚许可。FML
Today I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I’dbeentrying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone todinner with and heseemed nice. I was the designated driver, they dranktoo much and on the wayhome hooked up in the back seat. FML
今天我和俩我感兴趣的男生泡吧。第一个是我这个学期一直想约的人，第二个是和我吃过一次饭、看起来还不错的男生。我被指定为司机，他们喝的是在是太多了，然后他们俩就在后座上勾搭上了……汗
Today, I passed a homeless person asking for change. When I politelyapologizedand told him I had none, he yelled angrily "who comes tothis city withoutmoney?" I replied "apparently, you do." Wrong answer.He followedme, now screaming. FM
今天一个流浪汉向我要硬币我没给他，告诉他我身上没有，他非常生气的向我吼道：没钱谁TM来这个城市啊？我回答 “很明显，你就是” 这个答案显然不对，他跟在我身后一直尖叫 FML
Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of myfewrelationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and Isaid,"because I’m paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental,defensive, andstubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well,at least you’rehonest." FML
今天我和老妈感慨事实上和我发生过关系的男的都不超过2个月，她问我为什么，我回答：因为我偏激，强势，保守，还有顽固。为了鼓励我，她说至少你还是诚实的 FML
Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playingsoccer. Oneof them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily Icatch the ball. ThenI drop kick the ball, intending to say "go getit." Instead itricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML
今天我在一个公园里散步，看到一群孩子在踢球，其中一个把球踢向了我，很幸运的是我把球接到了。然后我把球丢下踢回去喊到：“接好了” 球打到了一颗书上弹回来，命中我的脸 FML
Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in withme. Wewere getting a little frisky when my mom’s hand unexpectedlycame through thecurtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of theshower, all the while saying,"Keep it safe kids!". FML
今天我在洗澡的时候，男朋友忽然跳了进来，我们有一点点小兴奋地时候老妈的手穿过了帘子把套套丢在了浴池里，说：注意安全啊孩子们 FML
Today, I set up a camera in my kitchen to see who was stealing mycookies. Turnsout my mom had her boyfriend over. Good news, thecookies are safe. Bad news, Inow have something recorded that I neverwanted to see in my life. FML
今天我在厨房里安装好了摄像头想看看谁偷了我的饼干，结果我看到了老妈和她的男朋友，好消息是饼干很安全，坏消息是我看了一些我这辈子都不想看到的事 FML
Today, after my girlfriend of 2 years left me for another guy, I got stuck inan elevator for 3 hours. With both of them. FML
今天和我相处2年的女朋友离开了我和另一个男人好了，然后我在电梯里面卡了3小时，和他们2个一起 FML
Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless manpressed upagainst me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutesinto the ride he gotan erection, which was rubbed against me at everysingle bump and turn of thetrain. FML
今天，卡尔加里轻轨车厢挤满了人；我旁边的一个流浪汉被挤得死死地顶着我。他专注地盯着我看，上车两分钟以后他就硬了=_=——于是乎车厢每次颠簸和转弯的时候，那东西都在摩擦着我。FML
Today, I was leaving to go over to a friend’s and my parents suddenlyask if I’mgay. I reply that no, I’m bisexual. My mom then asks if I’veever made out withsomeone of the same sex and I say yes. She turns tomy dad and says ’I told youso. You owe me $20’. My parents bet on mysexuality. FML
今天，我正准备出门去朋友家，我父母突然问我是不是搞基的。我回答不是，澄清说我是双性恋。我妈又问我曾经是否和一个同性别的人亲热过，我回答是。然后她就跟我爸说：“看，我跟你说过了吧。你欠我20块。”我父母拿我的性取向打赌。FML
Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressedin thebathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I’m justdoing whatRay does to you while you’re in the bathroom." Ray is my newstep dad. FML
今天，我在我的小弟弟偷看我朋友在卫生间换衣服的时候把他抓了个正着。我问他他在干嘛，他回答说：“雷(Ray)在你去卫生间的时候就这么做，我只是在学他罢了。”雷是我的新继父。FML
Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to myplace.Things were heating up and we ended up having sex and I was ontop. I was reallyinto it and in the middle of it she held up her wristand said "oh, look atthe time, I gotta get home". She wasn’t wearing awatch. FML
今天，我和一个我很喜欢的女孩出门去玩，然后我们晚上一起回到了我家。我们之间十分来电，于是最后OOXX了……男上女下。我非常之投入，可是在半途的时候她突然举起手腕说：“啊，看看都几点了。我得回家了。”她当时根本没戴表。FML
Today, I was running late for work so instead of walking the tenminutes to theoffice, I took a taxi. The driver took the opportunityto share the story of hisfirst sexual experience with a man. In greatdetail. FML
今天，我上班要迟到了，所以我没去走那十分钟的路程而是打了辆出租车。这司机抓住这一大好时机，向我讲述了他第一次和男人OOXX的故事。具体而又生动。FML
Today,I was walking from my office to the place i had parked mycar, adistance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round thelastcorner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As Ilooked up, Inoticed that it was my car. FML
今天，我得从我的办公室走到我停车的地方，距离大概有三个街区远。在我准备转过最后一个街角时，一辆车超速驶来，我不得不赶紧跳到一边。我抬头的时候发现了——那车是我的。FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to strip me naked and blindfold me, thentold meI’d get a reward if I caught her. So I ran around naked andblindfolded till Icaught her, and then I yelled, "I want my prize onthe kitchen table!"It was her mom who’d just got back from work. FML
今天，我女友决定把我扒光并把我眼睛蒙上，然后告诉我说如果我抓住她就奖励我。于是我就蒙着眼睛，啥也没穿地四处瞎跑一直到我抓住了她。我大喊：“在厨房桌子上把我的奖励给我吧！”MLGB的我抓住的是她刚下班的妈妈。FML
Today, my mom’s will was read to the rest of the family. I helped mymom writeit a couple years ago, and I was to get funds to pay offschool loans. Sherevised it and put in a note saying I was to getnothing because I was gay. Theexecutor read it out loud. My mom wasthe only one who knew. FML
今天，我妈的遗嘱被宣告给了全家人。我在几年前帮助我妈写的；我会得到一笔资金来付助学贷款。她自己把遗嘱给改了，注明说我啥也得不到因为我搞基。遗嘱执行人把这段大声朗读了出来。本来只有我妈一个人知道的。FML
Today, I found out that just because your boyfriend asks you to marry himdoesn’t mean that he will show up at the wedding. FML
今天，我发现就算你的男友向你求婚，也不意味着他婚礼的时候就一定能来。FML
Today, my mom talked about how it’s interesting how there’s so manydifferentsize of penises. She also told me that since she’s doinghormone therapy she’sable to orgasm a LOT more. We were stuck in stopand go traffic for 3 hours.When I turned on the radio, she turned itoff and talked more. FML
今天，我妈跟我说各种JJ有不同的大小，真是有趣。她也跟我说因为她一直在做荷尔蒙疗法，她能够体验的高潮比以往多多了。我们堵车堵了3个小时。当我打开收音机的时候，她把收音机关了，接着讲。FML
Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so Iwoke him upby whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to doanything right now,what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me abowl of mintchocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML
今天，是我的男友第一次来我家过夜。他硬了，我就在他的耳边耳语把他叫醒：“如果你现在让我做什么都行，你想要我做什么呢？”他的回答，“你能给我碗薄荷巧克力屑冰淇淋吗？”他想冰淇淋想到硬。FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30minutes,his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "Whatare youdoing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I gotdressed realquiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I’m doing Zoe." FML
今天，我男友和我在他的家里OOXX。大概30分钟后，他的妈妈回家了，敲他的房门问道：“你在干啥？”想着也许我有偷偷溜出去的可能，我蹑手蹑脚地穿起了衣服。结果这时我的男友就回答：“佐伊。我在干佐伊。”FML
Today, I got a $200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in Maryland.I havenever been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never beento Maryland. FML
今天，一张“在马里兰醉酒驾驶”的200美金的罚单被寄给了我。我从来都没因醉酒驾驶而被抓而且我压根就没去过马里兰。FML
Today, I told my mom I was excited my boobs were getting bigger. She told me that that's what happens when you get fat.
今天，我告诉老妈我咪咪越来越大了，好兴奋。她告诉我说那是因为我变肥了。
Today, My boyfriend dumped me because he said the relationship was too tough for him. When I asked for an example he responded "Like, I don't have enough time to play World of WarCraft."
今天。我bf把我甩了，他说我们的关系再难维系下去了。我问为什么，他回答说：因为，和你在一起，我都没钱打魔兽了
Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it
今天。我发现当我晚上边看毛片边紫薇的时候，我整个人在窗帘上投射了巨大的阴影，整个街的人都看得见。。。
Today, I listened to my room mate having sex from 3 A.M. until 6 A.M. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML
今天，我听信宿舍里哥们的话，凌晨3点和gf××OO。到了六点，我醒来发现我旁边的女友在紫薇。。。
Today, I was expelled from school. By my own mother.
今天，我被学校开除，而且是被我妈开除的。。。
Today, after being in the hospital for 2 days with no visitors, I got my first phone call. It was my best friend asking if he could date my ex girlfriend.
今天，在医院躺了２天没人探望之后，我终于接到了第一个电话。是我最好的朋友打来的，问我他能不能约会我的前ｇｆ。。。
Today, my fiance “thought I should know” that she has a $125,000 student loan debt. FML
今天我的未婚妻认为我应该知道她有12万5千的学生贷款需要还清 FML…
Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing I could hear them. "Tonight's the night," my boyfriend says. "I'm finally going to tell her I love her!" I got really excited, deciding i loved him too. Then his friend says, "Awesome! But what about Kayla?" I'm Kayla. FML
今天，我听到了我交往3个月的男友和他的朋友聊天，它们不知道我能听到他们。“就是今晚了”，我男友说，“我要告诉她，我爱她！！”我非常兴奋，感觉我也非常爱他。然后他的朋友就说：“太好了。可是，凯拉怎么办？”我就是凯拉。FML
Today, it's my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancee, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancee for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office singing me a happy birthday. FML
今天是我生日。我一整天只接到三个电话。第一个是我的未婚夫，说他要把订婚戒指拿回去。第二个是我最好的朋友，向我坦白说过去三个月来她一直和我的未婚夫行为不轨。第三个是我牙医的办公室，给我唱《祝你生日快乐》。FML
Today, my guy friend and I were in his dorm room watching a movie when he started kissing me. Things heated up so we
moved things over to his bed. He was on me when a hand shoots down from his top bunk. His roommate had been up there
the whole time and he wanted a high-five. So they high-fived. FML
今天，我哥们和我在他宿舍看电影。他亲了我，气氛high了起来，他把床上的东西移开，压在了我的上面。突然从上铺耷拉下来一只
手。原来上铺那家伙一直都在并且围观了整个过程。然后，我哥们和他只手击了下掌。。。
Today, I unexpectedly got my period at lacrosse practice. Our playing feild is a 1/2 mile run away any bathrooms so
I headed towards the woods with a tampon. Just as I was about to insert the tampon, the entire boys cross country
team ran by... laughing. FML"
今天，在曲棍球练习的时候，我月jing来了，我们运动场离最近的厕所都要1/2英里，所以我拿着棉条跑到小树林里，正在我要塞进去的时候，整个长跑队从我面前跑了过去。。。
Today, I was babysitting this one year old. She just learned how to say yes so if you asked her ANYTHING, she'd say yes. I asked her if she liked vegetables and she said "yes!" Then I asked her if I was pretty... she looked at me and said "NO." FML
今天，我照顾一个才一岁大的小baby，她刚开始学会说 yes ，No。你不管问她什么事情她都会说yes。我问她你喜欢蔬菜不？她说yes！然后我问她我漂亮不？她看了我一会，然后说 No。。。。。
"Today, I was teaching a swimming lesson to 6-7 year old boys and girls. I recently broke up with my boyfriend so I haven't been taking care of my bikini line. While I was demonstrating how to do a whip-kick out of the water one of the boys said, 'You have a beard coming out of your bathing suit!'"
今天，我在教6，7岁的小朋友学游泳，因为最近和男朋友分手，没多少心情整理比基尼泳衣。当我示范怎样蛙泳蹬腿时，一个小男孩说：老师，你的胡子从泳衣里漏出来了。。。
"Today, I was trying to register for a porn site. I secretly took my father's credit card, but all I got back was a "this credit card is already in use." FML"
今天，我想在一个黄网注册，就偷了老爸的信用卡，结果网站显示这张卡已在使用中。。。
Today, I went to the Doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes.' My mom laughed and said 'Good one.' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count.' FML
今天，我在父母陪伴下看医生。医生问我有没有性行为，我说 有啊。我老妈笑了：真能编。我老爸说：你的手不算啊。。。
[ 本帖最后由 嬉皮士 于 2009-7-29 20:43 编辑 ] |
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